Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
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A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Bike for sale
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that