I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
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“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.