@TheTweetOfGod: America's Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.
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@NicSampson: “So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.” “That’s right.” “And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?” “Yes” “Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“ “—figgy pudding yeah.”
@TheAlexP: [at bank] Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
@Fred_Delicious: [Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist] "He was literally kermit the frog"