The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
You Might Also Like
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.