@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: I'm supposed to find out more about my hero for school. Me: Aw, you came to me. 5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

@JoshuaHvr: Why would a straight guy hate gay guys? Here's a group of men who look better than you.. but don't even want women. You should be glad.

@MartinMurtagh: Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked "what would you like to do most to my body?""identify it" probably wasnt the right answer

@frogpissmouth: [punches shark on the nose[ shark: that wont stop me me: are u crying shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

@orange_rhymer: Me: I invited Todd over for dinner. Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally? *Todd exits out the back door with our television*