“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
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Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.