AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
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Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”