AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
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Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.