Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
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I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?