Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
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Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I love wikipedia
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
cat vs inanimate object
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.