@Barknado69: Amoeba: dad, how was I made?
Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much
@PleaseBeGneiss: [lying in bed]
Wife: He's probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It's a cape AND a bib?!
@HatfieldAnne: Learn to ask more specific questions. It's not “How do I look?” It's “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
@badbanana: There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I'm supposed to stop reading the internet.
@Rrrrnessa: Next dude that complains about the friendzone will be step-son zoned. I will literally marry your dad and step-son zone you. Try me.
@ElKnuckelhombre: Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She's about 5'8", blonde, and the mother of my children.