How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
#ProTip
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Sell your car
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.