@Barknado69: Amoeba: dad, how was I made?
Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much
@respected_loner: whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i'll hack into their security cameras real fast
[types "job openings" into google]
@kiralc: if I ever go missing, it won't be hiking. you guys don't even have to look there.
@UncleDuke1969: Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.
Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
@girlontapas: I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
@1Bad_Scientist: I'm at my most British when she says "teabag me" and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.