captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
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Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I was just discussing this with my cat
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.