AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
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Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino