AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
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IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me