Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
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‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.