An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
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If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.