Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.