clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
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Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
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“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.