An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?