An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
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Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”