An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Europe. Made in Germany.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.