An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”