@tomhanksrva: An actual conversation between me and a girl I was "dating" in 6th grade
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@AndyAsAdjective: ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I've gotten too drunk WIFE: I've been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
@CoreyKeyz: Valentine's Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I'm still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I'm not getting cheated on.
@FlashShumway: Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks "Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?" No? *tosses another nun off the overpass*
@amselts: Instead of expecting your wife to make you dinner every night like it's 1950, man up and develop a cocaine habit so you don't need to eat.