@tomhanksrva: An actual conversation between me and a girl I was "dating" in 6th grade
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@AndyRichter: Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. "Good Lord!" he says. "His burrito levels are off the charts!" - from my autopsy
@kevinseccia: The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says "kill, kill, kill" as his eyes swirl...
@markydoodoo: It's hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.