@OffTheHutch: An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
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@Bexdora: INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically? ME: IN: Is this an ability you have always had? ME: IN: Please say something.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Snuck a peak at my therapist's notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
@panmidwest: [waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi] ME-what do I do with this? W-eat it lol M-all of it? W-yes M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
@mattselman: If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.