An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
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BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move