An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
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Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.