I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
You Might Also Like
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
181.