What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
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I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Webb. James Webb.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable