an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
And bowling should be called pinball
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Usage Guidelines
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
need a new bf mines broken 😐
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.