If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
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If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.