@KKAlThani: An alarm clock that sends the person you like one of your deleted mirror pictures every time you hit the snooze button.
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@MUMSIEesq: 3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP! ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door* 3YO: I want a snack.
@Bob_Janke: If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
@egg_dog: [death row] Guard: Any last words? Me: [smugly] photosynthesis. Guard: … Me: it sounded longer in my head.
@davidkenny100: Work meeting Boss: it's come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash! Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me