An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
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This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
This is the one
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.