An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
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ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
😂 amazing answer