An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
You Might Also Like
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
💁🏻♂️
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
how to have fun when you’re poor
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.