An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
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me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
umm…
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated