An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
(True)
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.