An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.