@jeffporper: An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word "why".
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@KeetPotato: wife: [crying] "he always calls me weird pet names" therapist: "what do you mean?" me: [arriving late] "what's wrong my little hovercraft?"
@panmidwest: [First Date] HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist? ME: Oh I'm not feminist at all! HER: ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
@sixthformpoet: Q: What's worse than finding a horse's head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
@rickolantern: I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.