An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
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i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.