An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*3.5 thank you very much.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.