An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
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I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
😅😅😅
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing