@AngelaEhh: An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn't this a thing yet.
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@ericsshadow: [eulogy] "Before we get started I'd like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased's 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones"
@capricecrane: I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
@WildeThingy: A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack. A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said "better put down that phone."
@heidi420x: I'm not interested in your cat unless it's on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.