An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything