An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Who knew!
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me