Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
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My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.