An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
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My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
No Google it does not
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.