@justabloodygame: An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
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@Reverend_Scott: [firing squad] Any last requests? "Here's my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?" Yes. *listens* Oh man that's FIRE *gunshots*
@novicefather: I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days. My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.
@dragonsorbet: Me: do you like bad boys? Her: no Me: are you sure? Her: [covers her dog's ears] okay yes
@Jasmin_Tatts: I don't usually spank the kids while we're in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.