@twilighteyes08: An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
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@juliussharpe: If a non-profit accidentally makes a profit they must be like, "Guys we totally suck at losing money."
@CastAwayKristen: "Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again" Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
@juneohara65: Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: "Are you on any meds?" Me: "You might want to grab a notebook."
@RandomManik: GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, "I care for you. Don't do this". I'm still working on what to reply to my GF.