An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
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Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it