Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
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fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name