An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A banana will scare off most lawyers. Eat a pomegranate and every architect within a three-mile radius will shit himself.

@onion_an: Guy: [pulls out knife] Me: But I'm allergic to stainless steel Guy: [stabs me] Me: Noooo I'll get a rash

1

@drinksmcgee: Coworker 1: I’m sick. Everyone stay away from me. Me: Yeah, everyone stay away from me as well. Coworker 2: Oh, are you sick too? Me: No.

1

@WyLdAnIcA: When you text a guy "my shirt smells like you" be sure you spell shirt correctly.

1

@djr_102: My sister just had a baby and she seems to have forgotten all about my problems.

2

@EliTerry: "looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points" - commentators on my snowboard run

1

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

COMMENTS

COMMENTS

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE