@curlymalloy: An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!... But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
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@PaperWash: GF: I think I'm gunna start a Twitter account Me: *whips head around* I'll help you set it up! *Grabs GF's phone and hurls it into the Sun*
@NeinQuarterly: The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: "Got a new joke for you." NSA: "Heard it."
@upsidedowntrash: Satan: welcome to your own hell where… me: is it hot in here or is it just me ;) Satan:…everyones a comedian. me: haha i just like to keep it light. Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian. me: oh god