@curlymalloy: An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!... But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
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@NOT_UmaThurman: [Jesus on a blind date] Christians: "Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture"
@Tmoney68: At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE'RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
@jackmackenroth: Lately I've been getting in touch with my inner self. I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
@iQuoteComedy: If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it's a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.