An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
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Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”