@VerifiedBakchod: "An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away" ~ Samsung
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@derpintine: 'So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?' 'Oh. I never fell in, I was p- *sees Lassie do cut throat motion* -was jumping in.'
@AmishPornStar1: I don't know why I would want to "Keep Up" with them... I don't even know where Kardashia is. (geography's not my strong suit)
@HousewifeOfHell: I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
@DanOverHere: -Boss: "Send me one of your funny tweets" -Me: "I'm working at the moment, I'll send you one later" -Boss: "Hahaha! Send me another one."