@VerifiedBakchod: "An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away" ~ Samsung
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@FunnerGunner: My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."
@iamspacegirl: KING SOLOMON: I shall cut it in two, half for each of you. WOMAN: sure ME: OH GOD NO! KING SOLOMON: ok this is clearly your meatball sub.
@Roweboat13G: For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
@murrman5: I got fired today "what? why?" no idea "you have no idea?" nope "I'm confused when did this happen?" between pre break break and break