@VerifiedBakchod: "An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away" ~ Samsung
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@dafloydsta: "DADDY THERE'S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED" [me opening bedroom window] Wife: What are you doing? Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
@RollAroundSue: 7: Its the last week of school so we don't have to go. Can I stay home? Me: Ha! Nice try, kid. Teacher: Its true. Me: Ha! NICE TRY, TEACHER.
@JanelSantaCruz: Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.