“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
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I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
The two types of wives
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Chicken bread
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.