other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
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My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.