An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
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computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.